Newlywed Life

I'm sure you probably have this concept that Ganondorf and I have the perfect marriage. Maybe it seems that way now. Of course, like most, I haven't talked about the difficult roads that led us to where we are today.

First of all, if you think learning to live with the King of Evil was easy, you're dead wrong.

When you're infatuated with someone, you can't imagine them being any less than perfect. You always hold them up on a high pedestal, as if you'll never be good enough for them. When I went from being just another subordinate to being equal, the treasured queen, I never realized exactly what that meant. Sure, there were great bonuses, like personal servants, for one. They made sure I was always dressed nicely, my hair styled perfectly, that I always smelled pretty, you know, instead of being sweaty and dirty all the time. It kind of came with the job, though. Speaking of, I could have a warm bath anytime I wanted. I had a private room to use for relieving myself. Not to mention the enchanted, prosperous kingdom of Hyrule. Once, there was so much work to be done it was impossible to complete in one day. Suddenly, I could do anything I wanted, whenever I wanted, because the day was mine.

Except, it wasn't just me anymore, the day wasn't just mine. It was us and ours. I had my own room, the queen's chamber, and Ganondorf had his own. But at the end of the day, once you've slept in the arms of someone you love, who wants to go back to being alone? Well, after just a few weeks, I wished I could.

Initially, I was extremely self conscious about all of my own little habits that I had always done, and they annoyed me. So, they must have annoyed him. I had to be perfect, right? I greeted him every morning with a smile. I took advantage of being able to bathe and was clean every night. Often times I would forsake the servant's choice of clothing and choose my old clothes. I'd accent with the pendants and earrings that were gifted to me from the jewelers hoping to win my favor for future business. I always allowed my servants to help with my hair though, because they made an excellent braid that never sagged or came loose. During meal time I chewed delicately. I always used my own room if I had to empty my bowels. I just couldn't accept that I was human, and all of these disgusting human acts were normal. I realized how easily distracted I could be, how I twiddled my fingers, how I tapped my foot, played with my hair, and even how I did nothing but whine. I started to feel like my own attitude was a problem, so I learned to keep my mouth closed. After a while, I got so strung out that I was miserable. And after weeks of the same routine, I found there were details about Ganondorf that began to wear on me too. The problem was, he never tried to change.

From the moment I opened my eyes I saw him. He was beside me when I woke up, he was there washing his face, taking the first urination of the day, and dressing. The odd sound he made when he yawned, and the crack of bones during the day's first stretch, eventually had me rolling my eyes. The way he gave this satisfied groan when he emptied his bladder made me twist my sheets and bite down so I wouldn't scream. He always checked himself in the mirror to clean his teeth, and ensure none of his parts fell off. I had become so sick of all the time it took for him to choose clothes that I started doing it for him. He hardly ever complained though, so I'll give him a point for that.

He was there at breakfast, and let me tell you he could eat like a horse. Not just eat like a horse, chew like one. You know, at first you think, 'Oh, I can learn to live with that,' but seeing it and hearing it day after day just wears your nerves thin. And, let me tell you, walking into the room after he's evacuated his bowels makes you want to drop dead. After breakfast I'd head out to the grounds with the Gerudo, moblins, stalfos, and other minions, give them instruction for the day, and oversee their training. Once lunch time passed, Ganondorf and I would practice. It gave him the opportunity to improve control over his new power from the Triforce, and I learned to fight against sorcery. It was the best part of my day most times. Dinner. Dinner was the same. Chew, chew, chew, eat, eat, eat. Where did he pack it all? His muscles, of course.

Lastly, sleeping. He snored. Oh, he snored! I found that out the night before we married, but again told myself I'd learn to live with it if I loved him. There was no amount of orgasmic love making that could help me ignore this snoring pig. It became habitual to wake up once or twice, and roll over to see drool leaking from the corner of his mouth hanging wide open. I poked and prodded him in the beginning, but it took an hour before he closed his mouth and stopped. Finally, I quit playing nice. Every night, I slammed his mouth shut and shoved him onto his side. Seriously, he could have slept through the castle collapsing around us, even if his snoring was the reason for it to collapse.

I began wondering if I'd made a terrible, deluded decision, that was impossible to back out of. There was a point that I never thought I'd be able to live with him. I would have to be miserable forever. Literally, FOREVER! Demon, remember?

I was afraid of losing my mind!